Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Today (1/16/13)

Today your daddy and I are under ridiculous amounts of financial stress and it's feeling incredibly difficult for me to stay calm.  I have endless phone calls to make as well as jobs to search and apply for, and I have to make a very concentrated effort to remain in the here and now with you as much as possible.

Your morning nap today was in my arms, against my chest.  It has been in the upper 20s and lower 30s here in Concord a lot lately, and it's been a long time since I've been this cold.  You were wearing thick, soft, fleecy, red, footed pajamas bought for you by your Nana.  They are 9 month size and won't fit you much longer.  You felt so warm and snuggly, and your silky hair still smelled like baby shampoo from last night's bath.  You only slept a half hour but I hugged you the entire time.  For that half hour, I felt a little less anxious and afraid.

Yams are one of your very favorite foots.  This morning before he got ready for work, your daddy rode his bike to the store to buy you yams, bananas, and avocados, and when he returned I baked a yam for your lunch.  In the last few days, you have learned how to imitate me saying, "Mmmmm!" and after every single bite you happily said, "Mmm!" and opened your little mouth for another bite.

My friend B. told me that she had given her first daughter a box of tissues to demolish for a first Christmas or birthday--I can't recall which.  This afternoon I gave you a small, page-a-day desktop calendar that I got for Christmas.  At one point I thought I might read some of the quotations on the pages, but instead I elected to allow you to demolish it.  I had hopes it might buy me 10 (how did I ever dare think 15?) minutes in which to eat something instead of the usual one bite of food I manage to get on occasion.  [On a positive note, I've lost 76 lbs in the last 10 months since your birth.]  You were thrilled to receive the calendar and it commanded your intention immediately.  You spent 2-3 minutes turning it over and examining it and testing it with your mouth.  Then you put it down, tore off the paper cover, and began eating it bite by bite while happily watching "Olive the Ostrich" on the Sprout Channel.  Thus, said desktop calendar gift was revoked.  You didn't even get past January 1.  Maybe I'll read a few of those quotes after all.

Later this afternoon we will take a walk on the paved trail next to our house.  You are normally peaceful and quiet while we take walks and I hope that you will be today.  Yesterday you kicked off your socks and blanket repeatedly and ripped off your hat only 1/4 of the way into our route.  You spent the entire time wiggling and fidgeting and twisting, but you didn't cry.

For dinner I will feed you vegetable soup that you love.  I have been making very small pots of soup regularly--full of beans and lentils and veggies--and you really devour it.  I put small pieces of broccoli, carrot, peas, beans, and sweet potatoes on the tray of your high chair for you to feed yourself, and then I feed you spoonfuls of broth, onions, and bits of garlic.  It is a pleasure to watch you dig in with gusto.

Today, "Yo Gabba Gabba," one of your very favorite shows that I have really come to appreciate, played my favorite music video:  "Lovely, Love My Family" by the Roots.  I stopped what I was doing to watch and listen, and immediately my eyes welled up as they every time it comes on.  I just can't believe there is such a sensitive and bittersweet song on a kids' show, and the second verse makes me long to curl up in my grandpa's arms in a way that is nearly unbearable.



All we need, all we need. All we need.
Spread the love around, yeah

Sometimes when I am sitting by myself
Those quiet moments when not with no one else
I’m mesmerized by all the many good things in my life
I think about the time when I was younger
And the older that I get the more that I feel wiser
With the love of friends and family
Get stronger and it carries me on through

So I say lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely
lovely lovely lovely love, love my family
So I say lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely
lovely lovely lovely love, love my family
So I say lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely
lovely lovely lovely love, love my family

Sometimes when I am waiting for the bus
The sun shines bright and I feel peace like nowhere else
I know I'm in good health and life keeps going, I keep moving, I’m alright
I go to school and educate my mind, and the way the world is spinning
makes me want to turn around and start all over, hit the reset and go back in time.

Oh baby love me
Oh spread the love around, yeah

So I say lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely
lovely lovely lovely love, love my family
So I say lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely
lovely lovely lovely love, love my family
So I say lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely
lovely lovely lovely love, love my family

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