In the year of your birth

Dear Frijole,

It makes me very happy to tell you that I am almost 25 weeks pregnant with you--that's over 6 months!  Just in the last couple of weeks I have started to feel you all the time, and you certainly make your presence known.  You happily kick and punch in there, and I swear sometimes it feels like you're practicing gymnastics.  I never get tired of feeling you, although you do protest if you don't like my sleeping position and we should probably work on that.

It feels momentous to me that it is now the year in which you will be born.  I try to pay attention to things more now--the price of gas, the cost of bread, what I do to fill a whole day by myself--because I want to remember what I was like before you will have arrived in my life.  I know and welcome the fact that I will never be the same again.  I'm not sure I will ever get another good night's sleep knowing that you are in the world and away from my body and might need my protection.

I think about you constantly:  what I want for you, what I want to teach and show you, what mistakes I'll probably have to let you make on your own.  Your daddy and I talk to your big brother about you and he is very excited to meet you.  I fold and refold the clothes I have for you so far, and I stroke the soft blankets and sniff the lotion I will rub on you after I give you a bath.  I dream about you at night.  We talk about you as if you are a separate person in the room already.  "What do you and Sophie Minophie want for breakfast?"  your daddy might aske me.  That is his special nickname for you.  You will probably have many.

For now I try to be patient.  I budget money and purchase the items you will need when you come home.  I try to memorize what it is like to feel you moving in me, because soon we will never have this time together again.  I get tired and take a lot of naps, but I wouldn't trade carrying you in me for the world.

Love,

Mama