You're official.

Dear Frijole,

I have had my first two doctor appointments related to you now.  To begin with, you are official.  I peed in the cup in the doctor's office and everything.  I am estimated to be approximately 5 weeks pregnant with you.  You are just a tiny little thing right now, but these first weeks are the most important.  I am eating tons of fruits and vegetables, taking my vitamins, and drinking lots of water and milk to make sure you are strong and healthy.  But one thing I really need more of is sleep.

Today I met with my psychiatrist about you, and we butted heads a bit about what, if anything, I would take while you are growing in me.  She doesn't want me to take anything.  The last time I was pregnant I was on board with that decision, but not this time.  I feel very, very strongly that in order for you to be healthy, I need psychotropic medication in order to be able to rest and relax.  The second day I knew I was pregnant with you, I had a gut-wrenching panic attack that left me sobbing on the floor of the bathroom--much like the first time I was pregnant.  I felt hysterical and alone and terrified.  I will not go through that again.  And I will not let you go through that.  The doctor and I eventually settled on a prescription we could both agree on and I feel very happy about that.

While I am doing my very best to take good care of you, I am still struggling with the idea of you a bit.  I feel very scared to get attached to you, for example, because I am so very afraid of being left alone and wanting and hollow again.  I feel guilty about this, but I am confident that in time this fear will begin letting up.

I do find myself singing to you when we are alone.  Actually, your daddy and I sing a lot, in general.  That's one of the things I like best about him--well, that and when he busts into one of his little dances in his boxers.  Our voices aren't so great and we botch the words a lot, but by the time you emerge into this world you should have a thorough knowledge of pop music from about 1982-2002.  And, if I have anything to do with it, you'll have a decent knowlege of indie rock as well.  And the Beatles.

Love,

Mama